NOTE: Found this in some social media memories. I make these kinds of corrections fairly quickly and easily now. It’s good to see how i’ve implemented changes and kept them on board.

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Making some course corrections.

One is to keep with my new “garbage in, garbage out” rule. As i’ve mentioned more than once, i needed a long time to wallow around in the pigsty of my past. It was important, especially after being raised to hide and deny and pretend, followed by years of family pressure to maintain the silence, replete with threats and intimidation, subtle and not-so-subtle manipulations, and religious indoctrination. So i felt really angry and really sorry for myself for a long stretch of time.

But it’s past time to stop, and for the most part, i have. There is something that has the power to trip me up though, and it has. I’m drawn to similar stories in media, and this is a delicate area to traverse for me. I’m empathetic, almost to a fault. As i was a repository for the anger and pain of others as a child, it’s still my inclination to be that for others as an adult. It’s a character trait and used positively i’m a comfort to others and happy to be so, but used incorrectly i’m quickly drained and left vulnerable to all the stuff i’m trying to leave behind.

Specifically what’s been the problem is a television program. I stopped watching Maury and his ilk as part of my New Year’s resolutions. That’s proven to be a good decision on my part, but i’ve kept watching a program that is built on helping people. I thought because it had a more positive, less salacious tone that it would be okay. It’s not, though. I’m like a sponge on a spill or a dressing on a wound – i absorb. It’s a show on telly, though. If a person in my real life needed me to listen, to bear witness, to offer my help, i certainly would. That’s different because in helping them i’m continuing to help myself; it’s mutually beneficial. Alternatively, i’m not on the cast or crew of the show, and so many others are watching that my attention isn’t required. It’s wasted energy and leaves an emotional echo that, as i said before, leaves me vulnerable to people, places and things that i no longer want in my life.

So i’m dropping the show. I don’t need to feel all those feels anymore. I’ll open myself to those feelings for the right reason/person, but reliving my childhood by rubbernecking someone else’s pain is just not healthy anymore. And it hasn’t even taken two months for me to realise what’s going on. That’s growth. I’ve felt a heavier depression hovering around me, with drips and drabs seeping into my thoughts and feelings. Negative behaviours have been making a comeback, but that’s only been the last week or so, and i’m already telling you about it today.

So to sum up: While contentedly trudging the road to nowhere i became aware that i could smell something unpleasant. I looked up and quickly realised that i’d veered off my path. I recognise that smell, and i don’t need to go all the way back to the dump to know where it is. So now, with a minor change of direction, i’m once again headed towards low-key adventures. There’ve been a couple of other corrections, but if you’ve read this far you’re a champ, and i thank you.

Love and Peace,

~H~