GRRs & ARGHs

Today i am frustrated.
There are people in my life who aren’t doing what i think they should.
There are things in the world that i hate.
I want to change all the things.
Most of all though, >>I<< am not doing what i think i should.
There are things in my personal sphere specifically, that i hate.
There are things about >>ME<< that i hate.
I want to change them NOW.
I want to be at the place i want to be NOW.

Yesterday i felt how far i’ve come.
I have grown tremendously and come so far.
I’m growing away from things and i’m not sure i like it, but i do like it.
But it’s not enough.
I. want. MORE, but i’m tired,
but i’m motivated and energised.
I’m fully trepidatious, but mostly unconcerned.
I mean, that just seems natural and appropriate.
So i discard the mental message as not worth troubling over.

This morning my body was screaming at me.
It purged and purged and purged until i was a dry husk.
There is no sickness in my house, and we all consumed the same things.
They are fine, but i’m left sore and dehydrated. Spent.
My legs twitch with the desire to go.
My biceps are jumping.
My head feels like an empty gourd, my neck aches,
my skull is too hard and it’s screaming at me.
Everything wants to be busy and engaged and in full swing.

Wait, though. I can’t.
I’m heavy. I feel weighted down.
I’m tired of feeling opposing things at the same time and with the same intensity.
It’s exhausting and i don’t want to trifle with tiredness any longer.
I see things on my horizon, peeping over, and i want to be THERE.
The light is so bright and glowy and warm and welcoming.
It looks like winning and it beckons me come.
I’m tired though, and i want to skip the distance between us.
I want to BE THERE ALREADY.

This dangling promise frustrates me.
This beauty in front of me, but just out of reach.
I’ve come so far, why is there farther still?
Why must i still DO? Why can’t i be at the just being part now?
My temples are throbbing and my hands feel as if i’ve been wringing them.
Shaking my head, over and over. Wringing my hands.
Drumbeating WHY?! over and over.
The petulant child having one last tantrum.
I endeavour to make that last true.

Ever plodding along,
Always hanging in there,
Peace and Love To All,
~H~

IMAGE: Jordan Wozniak

Beneath A Star

Look around you find the ground
Is not so far from where you are
But don’t be too wise
~ Nick Drake, Things Behind The Sun

Still very low. It feels like i have zero energy. Sometimes i’m okay with baby steps and sometimes it gets to me and i just want to scream, RESULTS NOW! Bigger, better, faster, stronger, moremoremore!
I keep stiff-upper-lipping, i am persevering, i’m moving slowly because i bloody well must, but good goddamnit, why must this take so long?

Playing the long game takes so much time and so much consistency and i wonder if this is a mere blip or am i genuinely almost out of spoons? It’s usually a blip, but what if it isn’t this time?
I sit i stand i lie down with reality these days. In truth, in my body. In hope, in my face, looking directly into the sun. I’ll make new spoons from my dripping eyes as they melt in the brilliance of real life. I’ll be blind but i won’t be in pain… Right?
RIGHT?!

Has anyone noticed that i’m the quiet one now?
Has anyone marked the peace in me?
I’m okay with spinning along with the earth most days.
But today, oh today i want answers, please. I want to KNOW things. Today i want to read the last page. I want to know if all this work and all this investment and all the interminable waiting will be fucking worth it. JesusChristingGoddamn it, i clean up one mess only for another to be revealed.
And it’s taking so long that i’m running out of good years.

It’s my body, you see.
I’m getting my brain together only for my body to fall apart.
It’s my personality too, you know.
I’m getting a handle on my emotions and behaviours only for my relationships to peter out.
I’m becoming the person i’ve always wanted to be, but will anyone be left to enjoy me with me?
I’ve gotten myself mostly together just in time to see that everyone around me is still fairly messy.*

It seems as if i was liked better when i was more broken. It was easier when i blamed myself for everything. When i cracked a joke or acted the fool instead of crying out in pain or screaming out no. I could be dismissed when i was ranting about things i was mostly clueless about. Up on my soapbox, shouting about politics and religion. Snarking about science and sex and celebrities. Silly girl. Forgive her, she knows not whereof she speaks.
The less i’m seen, the more favourable my reviews.
Easier to consume in small doses.

Now, i’m not speaking unless i’ve done a whole lot of listening first.
Now, i’m not saying things to cozen or toady.
Now, i’m far less concerned with being liked than i am with being real and true.

Blech. I just read this over and it reeks of childishness.
A blip it is, then. This will pass. I’m at a low ebb because i’m in physical pain and i’m running low on energy and hope and determination. I’ll ride it out for now and spend some of my hope on tomorrow being better. Some days it’s harder to fight than others.
One day i would like not to have to fight. At least, not all the time.
How is anyone supposed to notice this brand new me in a pandemic, H?
I mean, how many folks have you actually shared space with in the last 15mos?
Who can/would/should track your progress besides you?

Some days i am so low i could almost wish for a thing to pray to. Almost.
I would like health in my body, peace in my mind, and solid ground in my relationships.
That might not be possible, but they are worthy goals.
And it is not for a thing to grant, but for me to attain.

Trudging on…

And open wide the hymns you hide
You’ll find renown while people frown
At things that you say
But say what you’ll say


*I’m discharging emotion for my mental health. I don’t think i’m better than the people around me. I am perhaps more invested in self-improvement (and probably more in need of it).

IMAGE: Sven Scheuermeier