Wow. My dreams tonight are telling enough to blog about for the first time in months. Well, actually…
Okay, there are some other dreams that’ve been cropping up on the regular, but i didn’t wanna write about ’em. I knew i needed to talk with my therapist about them, which i did yesterday, so now i can at least refer to them, even if i keep it rather vague.
I’m in some bar/restaurant/banquet hall, which is a frequent location for my dreams. I’m with a large group of people that are all friends of mine, although in retrospect i only recognised a couple of them. We’re all chatting animatedly about old times and what we’ve been up to. There’s laughter and food, drink, and entertainment all around us.
A good time is being had by all until the server comes by with a tray of drinks that i politely refuse and instead ask for water.
There’s no pin drop, no awkward silence. I’m just immediately confronted with hostility and outright anger. Everyone’s pissy that i’m not drinking alcohol. They turn their backs to me, circling as a group, with me on the outside. One of them begins talking about me and others promptly join in. Their tone is condescending, derisive, and aggressive. Their gossip is peppered with laughter, harsh and staccato.
I move away, wandering amongst others, observing but not interacting. I come across some more old friends that are working security. They bring me over to where they’re eating their bagged lunches and drinking coffee. We sit around and shoot the shit in a jocular fashion.
Some are not wearing pants and i mark it as strange, but not sexual.
I tell J (a RL friend from my past) i’m sober and he smiles and holds my hand and leads me away from all those who are hectoring and bullying me. We sit down in movie theatre seats with other guys, and engage in conversation. Some get up and leave, only to come back, leading all my old friends out of the building.
I ask, Are they getting kicked out cuz they’re drunk?
The answer comes quickly, Yes.
Sitting with my security friends, i watch as they’re led out and observe that they all look very odd and “other,” unattractive and wasted.
S (another former RL friend) is crying. She spies me and begins yelling about how this is all my fault. She’s full of judgment, anger and condemnation. I respond that i’m open to having a conversation with her, but she needs to can it with the verbal abuse. The other women are talking at me as well, but to them i merely smile and wave. Yes, smugly.
I turn to the fellas and announce I’ve gotta pee! and after a short search, i find a strange looking bathroom with 3 curved metal doors. They open like a rolltop desk, but sideways, if that makes sense. I go to sit my butt down, but everything goes wrong and i wind up pissing all over everything, including these peach satin lingerie pants that i suddenly see i’m wearing. I have a RL pair of those sitting in my yard sale pile, as they’re now too big for me. I’m exasperatedly trying to clean myself off, when i look up and notice the door is open and the guys are staring in at me.
I’m not embarrassed and we all have a good laugh.
Things that seem significant upon reflection:
– the first group i hang out with are all women, and the security group are all dudes;
– the women are dressed up for a party, but the guys are in various states of undress;
– 1 member of each group are actual former friends IRL, and both friendships ended painfully;
– there’s nothing sexual going on, yet i’m wearing lingerie;
– i’m not overweight;
– i’m not acting provocatively;
– no one’s coming on to me;
– people disappear but they reappear (that almost never happens in my dreams – once they’re gone, they’re gone);
– i stand up to bullying and am not intimidated;
– someone comes to help while i’m being bullied (i’m always on my own when i’m under attack in dreams);
– a number of things happen: being criticised and shunned, seeing people in their underwear, being alone around men, being seen toileting, being seen in a state of undress (things that would normally cause absolute mortification in a dream, yet i’m nonchalant.)
I could go deep into dream analysis here, but i don’t think it’s necessary. This stuff is obvious and easy – except for the separation of women from men.
– I’m relatively close to my ideal body weight.
– I’m sober and have been for some months.
– I’m still mourning the 2 friendships i lost.
– I’m more relaxed and myself around others.
– I’m not hypersexual or sex-focused, nor do i define my worth by my sexual attractiveness.
– I’m less afraid of rejection and have a solid sense of belonging.
– I recognise abuse and am far less inclined to tolerate it.
– I have solid relationships with trustworthy people – not just anyone can be my friend anymore.
Where the clear delineation of the sexes is concerned, i have some ideas, but i’m not ready to write about that quite yet. And as i draw to the end of this post, i know i’m not prepared to get into my bad dreams, either. It’ll come, all of it.
In due time.
So, that’s it for now, i guess. My dream journal isn’t for everyone, i know. If you’re still here, thanks!
Y’all try and hang in there as best you can.
I’m doing okay, all things considered.
Love and Peace to Everyone,
IMAGE: Nathan Dumlao