As we leave behind our last Chinook and move into more frigid weather, my fibro has hit harder. The pressure points are hardest hit from shoulders to wrists, and today my forearms feel heavy and hard to rotate, making typing somewhat difficult. The thing i haven’t told anyone, is that my carpal tunnel syndrome is returning. When i was first diagnosed with moderate CTS in my right arm around 12+ years ago, the man who gave me the news very kindly (/sarcasm) informed me that if i wasn’t super-morbidly obese, my symptoms would mostly disappear. When i lost weight i found him to be quite right, and i’ve had only small bouts of numbness since.

Until recently. It’s been more than 10yrs since i was profoundly overweight, but this last year i’ve noticed the numbness more often and for longer periods. Typing right now i can feel it. I sincerely hope it progresses slowly and doesn’t impede my writing. I’ll handle it of course, but just… GEEZ, y’know?!

My days begin and end with routine, and as i mentioned, i’m increasing my activity level; more things to do and and more focus on the tangible. I’m decluttering, seeking order. I’m working towards accomplishing things that can be observed by anyone. I’m maintaining the relatively healthy functioning of my brain and its thoughts, but also pursuing goals that, once achieved, would be obvious to anyone who was looking. Less esoteric – more skin deep.

It’s time. The foundation is strong now. I’m like a renovated house and it’s time to start making the outside reflect the inside. It’s hard, scary work, but i am committed.

Nothing wrong with a pretty facade.

Body work is tough for any survivor.
I didn’t have a weight problem until i was around 8yrs old. My mother’s relationship with the man i called “Daddy” was over, as was her association with his people and their activities. She had a major psychological breakdown, was committed, and i was thrown into the system. Once i was returned to her, i quickly packed on enough weight to make me the chubby kid, and then slowly packed on a few pounds here and there until i married 20yrs ago. I’d lost weight twice in that time, and both times i was just inside healthy range. However, both times i put the weight back on in short order. I did so many things unconsciously; i wasn’t present in my body so i hadn’t taken much notice either way.

Marriage caused my thoughts and emotions a tremendous amount of stress. I was freaked out that someone appeared to really want me, and subsequently terrified that i’d lose him. I worried that he’d find out i was a phony, that i was actually an awful human being and then he’d leave. It set us up for years of push-pull behaviour by me. Come-here-i-need-you-fuck-off-i-don’t-need-anyone. I felt more vulnerable than ever and i put up a massive wall, one made from pounds and pounds of fat. I ate to numb the fear — fear of being known and fear of being rejected. When weight loss surgery became an option, i took it and the weight fairly fell off me.

I had no bloody clue the chain of events that would set off.

The first thing that happened was i got a lot of attention. It’s not just straight men who are more gracious and gratuitous, either. Everyone is nicer to attractive people. I think it’s mostly unconsciously done when someone is not sexually attracted to you, per se. It started out being wonderful but it quickly unsettled me. You know, not so’s anyone as unconscious as i was would notice. Heh. All kinds of things were going on inside my brain, though. The outside wall had come down and while that appeared to everyone around me to be a purely positive thing, it had unforeseen and unanticipated consequences.

My inside wall came down, too.
I didn’t realise i even had an inside wall.
There were people living on the other side of that wall.
I saw them, and they saw me seeing them.
Until that point, i hadn’t quite believed i was a multiple.
It would not be histrionic of me to say that all hell broke loose.

MORE TOMORROW

IMAGE: Mia Golic