Should I let him in
Lord it’s the devil
Would you look at him
~Terri Gibbs, Somebody’s Knockin’
Yesterday as i was handling my business so well and feeling so normal and accomplished, my old party buddy Mania began to stir. She’s been sleeping off her last bender, but it appears she’s feeling better.
So yeah. And YAY. /sarcasm
I try not to anticipate some things, because the power of my brain can sometimes make things happen that probably wouldn’t have otherwise. You know, like, if you’re certain you’re gonna have a shitty day, you’ll find a way to make it suck. It’s not just a matter of perception, it’s also intention. It can be that way with my old friend. If i talk about her enough, she’ll see it as an invitation to come hang out.
I do need to talk about it a little, but just by way of acknowledgement. It’ll help me with awareness of the potential for crazy to come knockin’. *
I’ve been actively dealing with/working on my bipolar disorder since around 2006, and i’ve learned a few things. One of them is being able to see a mania on my horizon. I’ll try to communicate this stuff as best i can, but it’s guaranteed to fall short.
I’ve been noticing my body’s response to this early, warm spring, for instance. It’s an animalistic response. Like, i wanna roll around in the green grass and stick my face in trees and flowers and consume the smell. I’d eat it if i could. Being outside is incredibly invigorating. And my sex drive, which had been in a sleepy, winter lull, is fully energised in a way that’s similarly carnal. More a bodily imperative than an epicurean pursuit. Spring fever – i haz it. My appetite has increased, but strangely, i’m not tasting the food. I just want to eateateateateat.
I’m registering changes in my thinking. In a word, it’s grandiose. I’m getting philosophical too, thinking about the fundamental nature of things. Deep thoughts in and of themselves aren’t a bad thing. I guess it’s my internal response to what i’m thinking that’s the red flag. I’m very impressed with myself, you see. As i’m thinking these profound thoughts, i’m not only excited by them, i’m awed by them, and by myself, particularly. It’s not so much pedantic as it is enthusiastic, but…
You see? It happened right up there. In that very paragraph. I’ve always loved words, and have amassed a fair vocabulary. As i was writing that paragraph i got swept away with choosing the best words for what i wanted to say. I risk losing your interest as i gaze adoringly at my way with words. Heh.
Simply put: i can see my thinking turning towards the belief that i’m 10′ tall and bulletproof. Without the benefit of drugs. Just this magical, orchestral way of thinking that fills me with anticipation of the magnificent and the expectation of something epic. I will be majestic and my deeds, epic. That’s as far as i dare go to explain it to you, as my writing has just confirmed to me very well. Mania is awake, and she wants to know if i can come outside and play.
My current plan is to ignore the knocking and continue with my daily routine. It’ll bring some much needed serenity whilst i come up with a plan.
*NOTE: Yes, i use the word “crazy”. If you find that word troubling, then i do apologise, insofar as it’s not my intention to vex you. If reader response to my use of the word becomes visceral, i may write about it more, but for now i’ll sum it up rather simply. I would compare it to the woman who refers to herself using the word “bitch”, or the gay man who calls himself that word that’s slang for cigarette in the UK, or a POC who refers to themselves using whatever term we generally consider to be an epithet when coming out of anyone’s mouth who’s not of that particular ethnicity.
The word “crazy” holds no negative connotation for me. It serves me in a number of ways:
- It is a familiar, often casually used word, that carries a humourous, almost cartoonish tone;
- It acknowledges the truth of my mental condition in a way that lets un-crazy people know that i know it, i’m cool with it, and i’m approachable about it;
- It reminds me not to make it such a huge deal all the time. It is what it is, and all that remains for me is how i wanna handle it.
While it’s historically been a pejorative term, it’s evolved to become a part of our daily lexicon with its meaning coming more from context than its intended definition in its strictest sense. I like the word and feel better about my mental illness when i use it. ‘Yeah baby, i’m crazy. Ain’t no thang.”
IMAGE: Anthony Rampersad