Every once in a while it hits me.
I’m angry, and i have no idea why.
Although i’m slowly learning to live a more conscious life, i’m not, nor do i want to be, a deeply introspective person. Whatever that means. I don’t fucking know what i mean.
I’m still pissed off.
I want to know who i am and what i want and what i think and why i think it, but i don’t want to live my life as a floating head. You know, all cerebral and nothing visceral. All thought and no action. Never going outside and getting dirty. As if i’m sitting on a mountaintop crosslegged, watching the world happen while i smile and sway to some wicked sitar music. I wouldn’t mind seeing the view from up there, but those folks in the valley really know how to party.
Some balance is what i’m aiming for in my life. I don’t need to see everything coming, but if i get coldcocked, i’d at least like to know by whom. I have enough reasonably uncrazy time under my belt now that i recognise this has been happening for a long time. Maybe all my time. I don’t know if i’m triggered by anything in particular, or if it’s like a bleed valve and i had too much pressure built up. I don’t think it matters for now.
The first step is recognising it’s happening. So, check. Now i have some basic ideas about where to go from here, based on identifying other emotional/behavioural issues before this one became a blip on my radar. It mostly involves being aware it’s going on and doing a lot of information gathering:
– What was happening before i noticed this issue?
– Is this relatable more to the current precipitous event, or could it be a childhood-based reflex?
– How have i handled this before, and has there been fallout from that as well?
Then i just get down to the business of trying.
I do not subscribe to Yoda’s philosophy, particularly “No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.” It makes a great story, but in my life it has no place. The foundation upon which all my successes are built is trying. It’s the bedrock that provided stability as i floundered around in the soft, shifting loam that has been my own personal edification.
What i mean is i make as educated a guess as i’m able, then i just try something to see if it helps. Something that cuts down on or (ideally) eliminates negative outcomes. Then i assess its effectiveness and tweak to improve my results. Some things i try don’t work at all and some work pretty well. Nothing’s ever worked perfectly, but i’ve never expected it to. I’ve never found a panacea and i don’t think that’s even possible.
What i expect is some level of chaos and mess, and in that i’ve never been disappointed. I care about that kind of thing less and less these days. As i let go of my desire to be liked, accepted, and understood by everyone, my fear of rejection has diminished to the point where i just wade in and start swimming towards that other shoreline. I can’t let a few sharks stop me from getting there, and i see a couple of boats i can ask to take me in if i need a break.
I now realise that occasionally i find myself inexplicably angry. Even enraged. I’d like to know what it’s about so i can figure out what, if anything, i can or want to do about it.
And it’s already over. A couple of simple steps later and it’s gone. But the next time it comes ’round, i’ll be ready. Well, i’ll try, that’s for sure.
IMAGE: Umit Y Buz
One thought on “But Yoda, Try Is All I’ve Got”
I don’t see anything wrong with the way you feel or choose to live at all. And frankly, I think taking a more hands-on approach to your decisions and the trials you go through without trying to find any sort of wisdom in it will lead you to the answers you’re seeking much more quickly than diving into deep introspection anyway, and will end up better for you in the end if that’s in fact what you choose to do. Just prescribing to life as being what it is and doing my best to deal with it has lead me more often than not to where I want to be – and the chaos of it all has gradually funneled down to a manageable level on its own. Enlightenment is overrated. Living is more important, at least to me. And anger and frustration is a part of that, as long as there are some occasional moments where a smile can break through the red heat of it.
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