Every once in a while it hits me.

I’m angry, and i have no idea why.

Although i’m slowly learning to live a more conscious life, i’m not, nor do i want to be, a deeply introspective person. Whatever that means. I don’t fucking know what i mean.

I’m still pissed off.
I want to know who i am and what i want and what i think and why i think it, but i don’t want to live my life as a floating head. You know, all cerebral and nothing visceral. All thought and no action. Never going outside and getting dirty. As if i’m sitting on a mountaintop crosslegged, watching the world happen while i smile and sway to some wicked sitar music. I wouldn’t mind seeing the view from up there, but those folks in the valley really know how to party.

Some balance is what i’m aiming for in my life. I don’t need to see everything coming, but if i get coldcocked, i’d at least like to know by whom. I have enough reasonably uncrazy time under my belt now that i recognise this has been happening for a long time. Maybe all my time. I don’t know if i’m triggered by anything in particular, or if it’s like a bleed valve and i had too much pressure built up. I don’t think it matters for now.
The first step is recognising it’s happening. So, check. Now i have some basic ideas about where to go from here, based on identifying other emotional/behavioural issues before this one became a blip on my radar. It mostly involves being aware it’s going on and doing a lot of information gathering:

– What was happening before i noticed this issue?
– Is this relatable more to the current precipitous event, or could it be a childhood-based reflex?
– How have i handled this before, and has there been fallout from that as well?

Then i just get down to the business of trying.

I do not subscribe to Yoda’s philosophy, particularly “No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.” It makes a great story, but in my life it has no place. The foundation upon which all my successes are built is trying. It’s the bedrock that provided stability as i floundered around in the soft, shifting loam that has been my own personal edification.

What i mean is i make as educated a guess as i’m able, then i just try something to see if it helps. Something that cuts down on or (ideally) eliminates negative outcomes. Then i assess its effectiveness and tweak to improve my results. Some things i try don’t work at all and some work pretty well. Nothing’s ever worked perfectly, but i’ve never expected it to. I’ve never found a panacea and i don’t think that’s even possible.
What i expect is some level of chaos and mess, and in that i’ve never been disappointed. I care about that kind of thing less and less these days. As i let go of my desire to be liked, accepted, and understood by everyone, my fear of rejection has diminished to the point where i just wade in and start swimming towards that other shoreline. I can’t let a few sharks stop me from getting there, and i see a couple of boats i can ask to take me in if i need a break.

I now realise that occasionally i find myself inexplicably angry. Even enraged. I’d like to know what it’s about so i can figure out what, if anything, i can or want to do about it.

And it’s already over. A couple of simple steps later and it’s gone. But the next time it comes ’round, i’ll be ready. Well, i’ll try, that’s for sure.

~H~

IMAGE: Umit Y Buz