I met my love
on a telephone line
His voice like good, strong coffee
with a spoonful of sugar
He held my hand
in his warm tan one
Big knuckles and fat veins
knit through my long fingers
My love finally kissed me
underneath a sliver of moon
The smell of his skin
opened me up like Primrose
He trembled like mosquito wings
as I poured myself languidly
moving down the length of him
like tree sap, smell of cinnamon
I took my love home
to my chaos and echoes
He hung all my damp linens
outside to dry
With his face in my neck
I called him My Love
and he gathered me closer
his breath deep and quiet
My love for him filled me
The empty spaces
outside me fell silent
while inside I whispered
His smile is soft
as a cat’s belly
I wound his hair ’round my fingers
and wrote our denouement
My love is sleepy now
and it’s high time for rest
I brush his cheek with pale lips
and splay a curl on his pillow
The echoes are gone
yet the whispers remain
They travel over my skin
drying my tears
The sun spills morning
over dew on the leaves
making diamonds i might trade
for passage to tomorrow
~ Mine, June 25, 2021
IMAGE: Nareeta Martin
I’m a huge fan of the artist Amanda Palmer. I bought her most recent album, and not just an online version – i had to have the actual CD and sleeve and artwork and her notes and thankyous and all of it. I wanted it in my hand, to touch, to have for realsies. One of the songs is called “Runs in the Family”, and it resonates deeply with me. This verse of, i don’t know… Whatever it is, i wrote it to the rhythm of the verses of the song. It’s stream-of-consciousness and sort of poetic and maybe (i hope) funny and uplifting. If you want to get a better sense of the patterns i patter at (because there’s definitely syncope at play here), maybe give it a listen. Of course i recommend her most strongly, but art is in the ear of the listener, isn’t it?
Hold on, hang in, stay safe.
Love and Peace,
I look out the window as i wash the dishes
and i see the water is SPARKLING! so it has just
broken through winter’s hard crust and now i can see
small dots of movement and their QUACKS! reach up to me
letting me know that they and life has landed
and soon they will fill up the BANKS with their babies!
as geese and great swans do the same as the ducks do
the frogs start their ribbeting WHICH they will keep up!
until all their noises fade into my background
as i become transfixed by ALL of the green things!
that push their way up through the just melted crust
of the earth that surrounds me and FILLS! up my nostrils
with glorious smells of its living fecundity
unlike the fetid and SOFT melty dog shits!
that pepper my yard and make me glad that i have sons
who live at home and must TOUCH! them to please me
i picture my land as i finish the dishes
how it will look in just a PALTRY! few weeks of time
lush with green grass and the trees will be bursting
with big juicy leaves for the BUGS that will torture me!
but i won’t mind too much cuz i am walking with my
dogs and we won’t be STAYING! for too long
in one place we move fast we’re onward and upward
the sniffs make them so happy TAILS wag their butts right off!
but right now the driveway is muddy and squelches
around my boots as i take SCRAPS! to the composting
bin that we have around back for our garden
that last year went fallow cuz MY ASS was crazy then!
this year we maybe can have some tomatoes along
with the flowers that GROW! in the front of our house
that is crooked and little and perfect and we are
all safe and sound out here in SPITE! of the sickness
that rages around us and hurts other people and
makes me feel fine about BEING! a hermit
which while i am sad and my anxiousness threatens to
swallow me whole i know I AM so fortunate!
that i live in this piece of world with this man i
love looking at life i KNOW! it will always out
so i look at the water and hear the damn quacking
and smell all the poop that wafts UP! through the window
it fills me with gratitude for what i have while
the quacks gird my loins for the CYCLE of life! that
is winding down in me and cranking up elsewhere and
it is so beautifully REAL! and transplendant
my eyes fill with tears that are not ones of sadness
and sparkle like water like DIAMONDS in paradise!
The weekend was okay. I guess. I’m still depressed, damn it. Not full-on, which i’ll take and i’m grateful, but maybe not grateful enough. It may seem as if i’m always up and celebrating my accomplishments, but i assure you that is not the case. I’m so often disappointed and frustrated with myself that it feels like part of my skin and has proven to be a rather sticky and sensitive issue to treat.
That is what you witness on these pages. I mean, i know intellectually that i’ve come a long way, but i have so far yet to go. I also know that comparing myself to others is nothing short of a mental minefield, requiring my full awareness and absolute attention whilst navigating, lest i trigger a trip wire and anti my personnel. Comparison can be inspiring and motivating if done correctly. It can also keep one from veering too far off the main road, if you follow; i’m odd enough as it is, thankyouverymuch.
An emotionally jaundiced eye such as is the current state of mine however, renders my vision suspect, and the reward not worth the risk.
So today i will remember that i was intended for evil purposes that i will never fulfill.
I was raised to do as i was told and not ask any questions and today i do as i wish and i demand answers and doggedly pursue them.
Life happens and there has been joy in the tragedies and mercy in the pain – but only because i decided it was so.
I have created the life that i live today. No one gave me this. Some of it may have fallen into my lap, but i (ME!) had the sense to see it for what it was and hang on to it.
I chose to look for the lesson.
I decided what and who to let go of and what to keep.
I picked agony over avoidance.
I picked truth over safety.
I chose being happy over being right.
I sought knowledge instead of acceptance.
I chose myself over relationships.
Today i love myself first so that i might love you better, but i love myself today because i loved you first.
I did need a gratitude adjustment.
Thanks H. Good job.