I remember
your face filling every space in my eyes
no room for anything else
Nowt but you
I remember
your voice flooding into my ears
like a cheap cotton swab
What’d you say
I remember
your touch on every inch of my skin
oily and unctuous slick
Choking my pores
I remember
terrible days and terrifying nights with you
always bracing for the onslaught
violent and dreary
I remember
i’m stuck here in our memories together
still caught fast in your web
being consumed
Thank you Envy,
for getting my ass up off the couch
for wanting what others had
for wanting more and better
Thank you Gluttony,
for giving me what was denied me so long
for filling me up to the brim
for the luxury of more than enough
Thank you Greed,
for helping me get more than i was told i was worth
for insisting on what i deserved
for pursuing superior quality
Thank you Lust,
for keeping my sex alive
for invigorating me with desire
for setting my loins on fire
Thank you Vanity,
for showing me i’m pretty
for getting me in the shower
for taking me shopping
Thank you Sloth,
for providing me with much needed rest
for making my limbs so heavy
for the call of quiet nothingness
Thank you Wrath,
for gifting me the words No and Stop
for filling me with fury
for showing me it wasn’t love
~ Mine
July 17, 2020
IMAGE: The Seven Deadly Sins, Hieronymus Bosch (1500 – ’25)
Let me speak to you of my hope
in terrible poetry
The words spring from this old tongue
and bounce across the screen
I’m old but i’m young, too
New and fresh and filled with vigor
Keen to be up before sunrise
and curious about the day
Walking the dogs with dance steps
Thirstily drinking the view
Breathing in the smell of the grass
like pure oxygen, giddy
Mooing playfully at the cattle
Prancing about in tree cotton
It covers the ground like snow
and makes me itch
I giggle and chatter at my doggos
and answer back in silly dog-voices
Breezing through the front door
i pant much like my mates
Sweaty and hungry
i put together a plate
Eating robustly while connecting online
i still feel the promise of the day
It courses through me like a rainbow, sparkling
It spills into my heart and pours out my eyes
It fills my words with music
and i sing into the air
The music dances, too
~ Mine
June 19, 2020
I remember when we were first dating
No touch yet,
But eddies were drawing us together
Churning between our bodies
Sweet and warm,
A gentle pulling under our feet
Ooooh
We stopped on the sidewalk
You looked at me,
I don’t remember which one of us was talking
Other bodies around us in the sunshine
The smell of green,
Life was suddenly so bright and pretty
Ooooh
Your face spread into a smile
Your pupils opening,
You were a ray of the sun burning my skin
Searing, blistering, burning, setting me on fire
I am ashes,
Rare wind from the south blows me into your pocket
Ooooh
I take the day in my hands and hold it like a little bird,
Sing baby, sing to me
Its heart beats staccato against my palm,
The sky fills with clouds at its trembling feathers
I set it free
I take my love in my hands and hold him with warm thunder,
Come closer, love me more
He expands to meet me, and his skin tears at the thin spots,
My heart comes down like a gavel
I set him free
I take my life in my hand and hold it like a filthy rag,
Leave me, i’m so tired
I see the paint, the spots worn through
My blood is umber stains on faded cloth
I tuck it back in my pocket
The world takes me in its hands and holds me like a little bird,
Hushabye, dear one, shhh
I see your pain and rage and promise, your terrible beauty
My heart explodes, my mouth opens in song
I am set free
I’ve travelled far, a-wandering
I was not woolgathering
I was untethered, flying but unfeathered
I’ve given so, sincerely
I was not expecting
I was beseeching, despite the bleeding
I’ve borne it all, unconsciously
I was not indomitable
I was brokenly bearing, regal and lame
I’ve known you from the inside, dear
I was not your rival, love
I was ever your champion, and shall ever be
I’ve trysted with death, lingering
I was not infatuated
I was betrothed, but broke its bonds
I’m heading back now, the way i came
I was never one of them
I am the light, and shan’t bide their darkness
I’ve paid the price of entry, perchance
I was not aware there was a bounty
I was weary beauty, dropping coins like crumbs
I’ve set the wood alight
I was not the hearth, nay
I was the fire, and i burn
The sadness i embrace is ever present
so very deep
It eeks from my bones and suffuses my flesh with its chill marrow
traveling the rivers of my body, bobbing along in my blood
Morose and resigned
stopping my heart over, and over again
I gasp in pain, wanting to run from it
to drown it in wine
I want to return to the Land of the Dead, where i’ve dwelt all my life
I’ve felt this sadness already, and the pain
But no
Not like this
That was all the voices crying out in my brain, wanting to be heard
to be seen, to be known
That was brain pain.
Now my body cries out from the acres of death where it dwells
No more to be a dead thing encased in living flesh
a golem from the past
I send out tendrils of warmth and light from the Upper Room
They float down the stairs and illuminate the spaces that were once flat blackness
a nice enough place
Needs a bit of work
The rooms are crumbling, although they’ve never been lived in
Like Chinese malls.
Too old to not yet have lived in this body
I was born in a riptide, barely keeping my head above the water
Mindlessly, mechanically,
moving my way through the rushing of the water
Fighting the current that never stopped
sucking at me
One day i grew strong
and broke free of my prison
Building a boat out of hope, i sailed the vast sea of my mind
I charted its waters until i grew bored
Letting the wind and the waves plot my course
I thought i’d found peace
But mystery beckoned me from the shores
The smell of the air promised fresh adventures
I jumped off the bow
and swam for the shore
Dolphin-slicing expertly through the currents.
I stand up on the beach and look round
The sand is not much warmer than the water
Perhaps the green i can see ahead is as warm as it looks
I walk slowly up towards it
When i crest the embankment i stop
My feet step into the grass
It’s warm, it’s wonderful, and i scrunch my toes into its
Toes
I have toes
I look down and see my feet
Feet!
—
And i gasp myself awake
Only not awake
Not dreaming
My window has crashed inward from the storm raging outside
I’ve been struck alive by a bolt of lightning
What was dead now lives
The tendrils of warm light coming down from the attic illuminate the first floor of my house
I’m sitting in an old chair that’s never entertained a guest
Life is pain, and i ache to find it so
I shudder with the power of the pain that fills me
The sobs that shake me
like water from a paintbrush
The light moves past me, fluttering and waving along
Curious to explore other rooms
Every step, every movement,
Every moment brings pain
But i follow
I follow the light.
I am a tree
Tall and strong
My great limbs bend into smaller branches
I’m covered in rough bark
But underneath, the wood is green and fragrant
You cannot easily break off a piece with your own hand
You must wind it round and round
Cursing its soft strength
The branch splits apart yet still holds
You curse and twist
And while some wooden strands give way
Yet others hold fast
The green and gold, like oats at harvest
Steadfast
My leaves are a story
Some yes, are curling
Dry
Wizened
But look at the rest
Full and lush
Verdant and heady
The crispy and dry make way for the vibrantly shaking and whispering
Singing leaves and tawny wood
I set my roots deep and dare any comers
Try to move me
None shall move me
I grow here and stay
Let birds find shelter and insects feed
I thrive
I give shade
I am life
My roots are deep and i remain
Stay awhile and rest underneath my canopy of greenery and love
I am a tree
Ancient
Glorious
Transplendent
I looked for you and you said, I’m here
So i followed the sound of your voice to the place it was coming from
I leaned down and whispered Hullo?
But you weren’t there in the brackish water, or at least
You chose not to surface
I slept that night and dreamed of you in the forest
Beckoning me, Come
In the morning i eagerly dressed and ran outside
I heard your voice on the wind
It tinkled through the leaves like living bells
Oh please, is that you?
I climbed some of the trees there, hoping to find you
After a while the bells seemed more like brittle laughter
I fell down and scraped my knee on some bark
The blood marked it with my passing and i was glad
Next day it was scabbed over and i picked it
Wanting to bleed again
I’ve written you letters but there’s nowhere to send them
I seal them with my tears that drip like wax on the paper
And my heart
Leaves my body while i sleep and tries to deliver them
It returns every morning, grey and empty
I kiss it long and deep as it buries itself back inside me
I ask others if they’ve seen you and they tell me
Oh yes, just yesterday!
Their stories burn my skin and i smile while it blisters
They don’t seem to smell my flesh cooking
Can they not see my bones?
I bake you a pie and go where they tell me you’ll be
I’m wearing tight clothing to keep my flesh from falling off
I sing with them and listen to their stories
I’m putrid and dying but yet my heart beats
In my best mezzo soprano i tell of my love for you
Hullo, are you here?
They all love my pie and ask me
Aren’t you amazing, aren’t you grand?
My heart climbs out of my chest and carries me home
We eat my flesh together, and i cannot hear your voice
Anymore
This is not my garden,
i’ve tarried here too long
I cannot keep it,
it does not rise to my touch
This is not my garden,
its fruit does not sustain me
The taste is bland and unripened,
the sun too rare
This is not my garden,
nothing here will grow
No verdance, no smell beckons me,
It’s time for me to go
This is not my garden…
It never was
Image: Gardens of the Dying Light, by QueenOfRohan
Life As Me 