So, today isn’t gonna be the day i start, either. *sigh*
I’ll try again tomorrow, but today my heart is just too low. My energy level is practically zilch. I think the best thing to do is give it 1 more day. The stress headache from Tuesday’s therapy is still thumping away mightily, and i’ve been hit with a fibro flare-up, just to make things that much more fun.
Discernment and flexibility – i haz it.
I suppose if i’m not gonna be Little Miss Getshitdone, i should at least write. My head feels like it’s packed full of cement though, and with that jackhammer going on up there too… i’m blanking out. *sigh *
Perhaps some pandemic not-prose-don’t-make-me-say-poetry? Hm.
Party Poem: External
I show up late to the party
Most of the people are gathering their coats to go home
Piled up on the bed in the spare room
Minglings of perfumes and colognes
Can i take your coat?
I sit down on the biggest couch
It’s the best chance i’ve got at not sitting next to anyone
Unfortunately only the drunks remain
So a guy sits down almost right away
How you doin’ tonight?
His breath is so toxic i grimace
It was involuntary and i zero in on his reaction
I needn’t have worried at all
He’s busy charming the pants off himself
Do you know anybody here?
I mumble out that i know the hosts
He launches into a frantic and slurred tale
My friends are his old college buddies
They’ve known each other forever
How do you know them?
I tell him the woman is my sister
This was the wrong thing to say as it gives him an excuse
Drawing close with his whiskey and garlic laced breath
He acts like he’s considering it
So you’re the younger one right?
I blush and begin to sweat
This means i look red and juicy like a steak
I probably smell like meat at this point
He thinks i’m flattered
Can i get you a drink or three?
I suddenly blurt out Excuse me!
I’m absconding to the bathroom at top speed
I pray that i won’t trip over anything
I’ll go to church tomorrow please if it could be empty
Hullo, anyone in there?
I avoid the mirror and sit down
I already know what i’ll see on my turgid face
The flat-out wide-eyed panic
I quietly convulse in a sob or three
Hullo, anyone in there?
I force my voice past the stone in my throat
I let them know i’ll be right out
Swiping furiously at my eyes
I look at my hands and remember i put on mascara
Oh geez are you kidding me?
I fix up the mess as best i can
I knew i should’ve worn the waterproof kind
Using toilet paper and water i work quickly
Keeping my head down i walk out and apologise
I hope everything’s okay?
Now the panic is bubbling up
I don’t know why such a stupid thing just came out of my mouth
I make my way to the spare room and then dash to the front door
Made it a full 20 minutes this time, i say
Why do i have to be like this?
Party Poem: Internal
Swinging door sucks in the cold
Pulling me in with fingers of air and flesh
Flushed skin and frantic smiles
Boozy air with a note of sweat
Smile, dammit, smile!
Pillowy couch threatens to eat me
Perching birdlike i puff out my feathers
Staccato bursts of laughter
I ruffle fluff and side-eye the room
Oh no, don’t sit here!
Open mouth saying smelly words
Fevered lips and hungry teeth wet with a swollen tongue
Yellow paste from cigarettes
My belly hitches and my pits itch
I’m overheating already!
Eyes like hungry mouths move over me
The stink of him and the pounding air
His words like syrup left out with no lid
Too thick and sticky he drowns little gnats
I don’t want this, go away!
My responses trickle out like an old creek
Tripping like i once did at hopscotch
I draw to one side with a lurch and a terrible squeak
I am that one shopping cart
Back up buddy, you’re too close!
My face fills up like a balloon
I’m hot and stretched thin and ready to pop
Full of unspent air and held breath
Hot and brittle like candy
Ohmygod he’s leaning in, nonono!
My legs kick out from me violently
Like a newborn colt trying to stand
The music crawls inside my head and punches
My soft brain cries as it guides me
I must get away right now!
Quiet relative coolness and the good kind of dark
Unlike the dark outside the door full of grave shadows
I pant like a dog at summertime’s peak
My guts wringing me with anxious hands
Someone’s at the door!
I’m too little for this but so big
I can’t fill the space but there’s no room for me
I’ve got to leave but i don’t want to go
I want to go home but must first brave the gauntlet
Stop it now, everyone will see!
I’m 5 and the floor is lava
Wild bears and dragons surround me on all sides
The hot air pulls tears and breath and sweat
I’m melting as i make for the door
Don’t anyone try to stop me!
Booming bass like ship cannons
My guts float up and grasp the base of my throat
Food and bodies and booze invade my nose
Rubbery legs cross the space to freedom
I’m out i’m okay i’m safe, breathe!
~ Mine, August 19, 20, 2020