This is from my Facebook this morning.
Okay, i’m gonna tell you a thing that is not life-changing, just about me, and not terribly interesting unless you know me IRL (or have Skyped and/or talked on the phone with me).
My son told me about it, maybe a year or more ago, but because i haven’t socialised much over the last few years, it wasn’t obvious, or problematic. Also, in re-entering the field of peopling for reasons other than i’m forced to (heh), i’ve had other things on my mind, and anxieties to manage.
My son told me that i have this annoying way of speaking. My sentences sort of trail off a bit, and just when you think i’m finished talking, i say something else, and then trail off again. And this can go on, sometimes over and over. Once he pointed it out i knew right away that he was right, and i also knew why.
Fast forward to yesterday, when i’m this super-functional version of myself, with 2, count ’em, TWO!! girlfriends over for a visit, and i’m actually belly-laughing and feeling comfortable and safe, and i become aware that I’M DOING THE THING.
Now, my son is annoyed by it, but i’m his mom, and he’s a teenager, so… Other people might be annoyed by it as well. Or they might not notice at all. Either way, i’m not sure if i can change the behaviour, or even if i want to, honestly.
Here is the thing about why i do the thing:
I have other people who live inside my brain. There is constant, and i do mean CONSTANT, chatter going on in there. Sometimes just 1 of them talking to me, but more often, a number of them talking to me, or a number of them talking to each other. Sometimes, there are people talking to each other AND people talking to me. And sometimes, everyone (at least, everyone who does talk, because some do not, not at all) is talking to everyone.
So when i trail off and then suddenly start up again, it’s because someone in my head has made a comment of some kind, one that they either want me to add to what i’ve said, or one that i want to add. Or someone said something that caused me to think of something else that i want to say about what i’ve just said…
Yes. Yes it IS fucking complicated, thank you for noticing. It’s also exhausting. It’s taken me a long time to learn to manage it all, and i am still learning.
But there it is, there ya go.
I want you to know me, and want to help people know and understand the mentally ill better; to reduce fears and stigmas, to be a chatty bridge between those of you with less severe or no mental issues/struggles, to those of us with deep-seated, serious, clinical, and multiple diagnoses, who suffer life-altering, functionality-inhibiting mental illness.
Hey, i think i just noticed that i write like that, too.